Numb

 I have this thing. It’s this numbness that I choose. 

I don't know why, but the conviction that I feel is heavy. Like so heavy I can't catch my breath. 

When I sin, it's almost like I jumped into an ice cold body of water, and am gasping for air. 

Or at least that's what it used to feel like. 

I remember being a little girl, at a sleepover, and listening to the music my friends were playing. 

I didn't even understand what the words were saying to be honest. But my spirit just knew… It knew that I was not supposed to be listening. 

It was then I felt the toe of my fleshly desire just slightly dip into the ice cold pool of sin. 

One song. Just one cuss word. Just one time…

But I hated it. It actually shocked the system of my new self. 

I jumped back. 

The next day, when my mom picked me up I cried and cried. 

I had sinned, and I felt it. 

That heavy conviction weighed on me until it was forced to be released in tears as I sat in the passenger seat of my moms car. 

I hated that feeling. 

But somehow I forgot the feeling. 

I don't know why. Or how. But I couldn't remember why I felt so bad weeks later as I found myself in the same setting. 

So I did it again the next time. 

Dipped my toe in, but this, I emerged most my foot. 

10 years later, I found myself neck deep in Sin. 

But I wasn't cold. There was no shock. 

I was simply numb. 

Ice cold water only has its shocking effect when you first get in. 

But if you sit there long enough, you grow numb. 

I'm numb. 

I don't want to know what numbness feels like. 

I want back the innocence of a child. 

Where cussing was equivalent to murder and inappropriate music was too heavy to bear. 

Father, don't let the world's efforts to keep me in the ice cold water work. 

Shock the system of my heart. 

Let sin be sin and the conviction of your spirit be prominent in me. 

Just because I have grown numb, doesn't mean sin is not sin anymore. 

I have just been sitting in it for too long. 

Make me uncomfortable Abba. 

I don't want to be in the ice cold pool anymore.

I want to be in the warm light of your glory as I lay in the green pasture you gave me rest in.