Anxiety and Burnout

I wake up before my alarm. 

The pairing of my heart beating way to many anxious, rhythmic beats, per minute and my blanket encapsulating me like a hug that lasted way too long; isn't exactly rocking me back to sleep. 

But actually, my eyes open before the displeasing ring of my alarm, because I feel like I've missed it. 

To be honest, I don't even know what “it” is. 

But it's as though the reigns of my life were firmly gripped in the palm of my hands as I fell asleep, but through the night they turned to putty, and are slipping through my fingers. 

My eyes open to a world that is begging me to be available. 

To a schedule that is demanding perfection. 

I awake to a body that isn't to my standard, but a brain that over-stimulates at the thought of doing something about it. 

I'm waking up to a life that “isn't good enough”, but without a definition of what “good” even is. 

As I lay in bed, I begin with one single thought, but after the rollercoaster ride that is my thought process, I have now gathered nearly a hundred different things that I have convinced myself needs to be accomplished this morning. 

There are people waking up all over the world right now, and if I don't do this day right, I believe, actually I know, that I will let every. single. one. of them down. 

My alarm hasn't even gone off yet. 

But now from sweaty palms, an anxious heart, and a fast paced mind, I am forced to get up.

But, not because I'm done sleeping. 

So with blood shot eyes, I throw the blanket off of me and place both my feet on the floor. 

My body feels a little numb & my hands are tingling. 

But I have to start my day. I have to get going.

I've already wasted too much time. 

This day is started not in the name of “I get to live”, but rather “I have to”. 

I haven't thought once about the family that loves me, my body that is healthy, or the friends that support me. 

And to be honest, I did think about God. 

But it was quick. Passing. 

The thought; like a dreadful chore, quickly got shoved into the back of my brain.

To the bottom of my to do list. 

I love God. 

Yeah, I do. 

I just don't feel that I have deserved the love He gives me. 

And the anxiousness I feel building up within my heart, feels as though it will shoot up in an overflowing fountain if I have to sit before my Jesus.

I know I'm not worthy. 

I know that. 

Does He think that? 

I don't know, but it's too much to unpack.

My alarm hasn't even gone off yet.

In the sixty second rollercoaster from the time my eyes opened, and my feet were placed on the floor, I have already decided. 

Decided that He is going to ask too much of me. 

Decided that He is going to be so disappointed in me. 

Decided that there is no benefit of adding “spending time with the man who is disappointed in me” to my long list of “to-do’s” for the day. 

So I ignore the thought. 

I've gotta get going. 

My morning routine becomes a trade-off. 

I trade the secret place for the kitchen. 

My morning Bread for a “protein filled” breakfast.

My Bible for tiktok… 

And my Jesus?  For a momentary hit of dopamine. 

To be honest, I feel worse. 

I know that there is something better for me. 

There has to be a morning routine that is better than anxiety shaking me by the shoulders to get up, and a sore thumb from scrolling on my phone. 

There has to be a better option than ignoring convictions and chasing a life of fleeting accomplishments. 

And actually?

I know that there is. 

Because I have lived it. 

And that is the part I don't feel I have time to unpack. 

How can a girl, completely and utterly infatuated with her King Jesus, trade the rhythms of grace that once marked her life for fleeting pleasures? 

I don't know. 

I can't wrap my head around it. 

I once longed for the secret place. 

There was a time that lists of “to-dos” took a backseat to reading the breath of God. 

There was a time in my life where prayer was habitual and I clung to the truth. 

Now? The secret place scares me. 

The bible sits and waits to condemn me, and prayer? God doesn't want to talk to me. 

Why would He? 

A girl who was dwelling in the goodness of God, traded her blessings for earthly treasures. 

Because I can understand the testimonies of people who had no idea of the grace of God. 

You know, the ones that never went to church growing up? That never even knew the storyline of the gospel? 

I get that. 

How could you follow God when you didn't even know Him?

But what about the one that had no “excuse” to not follow God? 

Because that's me. 

I know what I choose. 

But like a pestering phone call, I decline the convictions of the spirit. 

I grieve them, actually. 

And I don't think that He has stopped calling. 

But I think at some point, I put my phone on “do not disturb”. 

I let it ring for a while, but then I decided that it was too much. 

I settled for a lesser love.

But I am realizing that me growing numb to His convictions doesn't mean that they aren't there. 

I'm learning that. 

But because of my free will, I've just put my soul on “do not disturb”. 

I'm learning that when my faith in God is not praised by the people around me, and reading my bible everyday isn’t an expectation by the community I am in; that it becomes a choice I have to make.

Yes, I chose to follow God before. 

But there were the pleasures of people's approval paired with the fruit of the spirit. 

Yes, I received the blessings of the secret place. But I also had roommates that were amazed at the time I could spend in my room alone with Jesus. 

Yes, I chose to prepare the message for the Sunday sermon, but I also received praise from the audience. 

But now? It's just Jesus. 

Only Him. 

It's actually always been Him. Him, alone. 

But I'm realizing that the fuel in which lit the fire within me to pursue Him, was largely propane of man's approval. 

And when there was no man left to approve of me?  I retreated. 

The things of God were now tasks, not a badge of honor. 

And so I turned to what I saw others filling in the gaps of life with. 

Phone, busy to do lists, self improvements, relationships…. 

I fell back to what I remembered to be easy. 

Convenient. 

But I have known this whole time. 

It's not what I was made for. 

There's more. 

There is a better option.

I wasn't made for a clapping audience or infatuation of how many bible verses I have memorized. 

I was made to be an apprentice of Jesus. 

To have my pursuit of Him, motivated by Him, and for Him. 

That means walking next to Him. 

Going at His pace. 

Putting Him at the forefront, and then letting the rest fall behind, in the order in which He places it… 

I'm thankful I was stripped of it all. 

The approval, the crowds, the "pat on the back". 

I'm learning Who He is alone. 

Just Him. 

Not the blessing I get from following Him, but the Man Himself. 

My Jesus.

Because this is the whole point. 

To behold Him.

To know Him.

To love Him alone.

 

Im learning why He told me He is the Way, the truth, and the Life...

He is the Way in which Im supposed to walk. 

The truth in which I I should cling to.

And the life in which Im meant to live. 

Can I be honest? 

I love God, but I haven't been choosing Him lately. 

I've let anxiety make a home in my brain and the way of the world define my daily routine. 

I have hid from my calling and the convictions of the spirit for several months. 

But as much as that is the honest truth, so is the fact that even as I wrote this, I feel lighter. 

I feel hopeful. 

I don't know how to fully explain it, but even though my flesh feels like I have sealed my fate to have a life of complacency, I have this deeply rooted hope. 

A hope, that I am going to be okay. 

A hope that isn't from anything that this earth can give me. 

It's this feeling of certainty that doesnt make sense.

I'm coming back to my Jesus. 

Slowly. 

I'm imperfectly moving in the direction of salvation. 

He is teaching me. sanctifying me. growing me. 

And it's ugly. really ugly. 

But it's also kind. and it's good. 

This is my prayer: 

Lord bring me back to the secret place. 

Abba would you show me your face? 

I want You. 

Only you.

Make your convictions strong in me.

Remove the lesser loves.

Break the spiritual ties to convenience in my life. 

Break off the chains of complacency that I have bound myself to.

Any demonic oppression from the things I have labeled as "normal", I demand to be gone in the name of Jesus.

Father remove performance based anxiety from me.

I have to be free from this-

Because my alarm hasn't even gone off yet.